|SignsOnTheWalls (signsonthewalls) wrote,|
@ 2011-03-18 00:31:00
|Current music:||"Leaving On A Jet Plane" ~ Glee cover|
I should have been updating this for days, I suppose, but at the time I just... didn't really want to. In the next few days I'll have to post what I can from memory, but my thoughts are driving me a little insane and I need to put them down.
At 12:32 a.m., when my thoughts are occupied on what I'm going to pack, and how I'm going to get to the airport, it's hard not to think of the worst possible scenario. I'm trying to keep thinking that I'm going to come back to this place, but I'm packing like this is the last time.
I can't help but think that if the worst happened, if nuclear fallout of some kind was a reality, someday someone in a haz-mat suit is going to come into this apartment where the remains of my time will still be right where I left them. What will this apartment say about me? This is a dorm--a place of temporary residence, and when someone leaves they take their little world with them. I can't do that right now. And if I never come back, someday someone would find my remaining clothes, books, stuffed animals, the things we kept in our cupboard...
It's all very surreal. In a month, I'll probably be posting here like this was all nothing, but at the moment, I feel scared and annoyed and tired and more than anything else I want this all to be over so I can go back to how things were. I want this all to be some gross exaggeration. I'm happy to be away from all this stress, but I worry about those staying. In my worst moments I visualize not being able to leave BECAUSE the worst has happened. I can't imagine how my family feels.
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